Lone Black Spider

My Gosh am I droopy, depressed and tired today. I dont want to do anymore work, I can bearly keep my eyes open and I even had 3 cups of coffee today.
My dream for today (and tonight) is to sit on my couch, watch a re-run of the Sarah Connor Chronicles and eat Pizza. Why am I craving Pizza !?!?!?
I sure as heck better not have to go anywhere after we get home. No. Wait. The kiddo wants a haircut. Okay I can do that; which means watch someone else cut his hair while I sit on my butt!
Sometimes I just get into a funk like this. It needs to pass so that I can get on with my life. *sigh*

Today I woke up Happy. Which for me, is a rare thing. Most days I wake up exhausted. However, yesterday when the kiddo was sick, just laying there on the couch, I took a good 1.5 hour nap. Crawled into my bed and crashed. It was sooo nice! I wish I could do that every day, even for 45 or 60 minutes.
It is nice being happy again

I am a Cancer and my horoscope was quite interesting in my Red Book magazine this month. It basiclly said “Rid your life of people who can’t see your infinite beauty. Love the ones who love you back”. I have a very hard time with this. I can’t seem to shake the people who dont love me back. I think about certain people every day even tho I know they don’t think about me and could care less about me, cuz I am their past. I have been doing very well tho in the email area. I dont email anyone that doesnt reply to my emails. I used to think that something was wrong w/me when they didnt reply, but now I know that is is them that is being rude and lazy, and has nothing to do w/me!

I am getting better each day. And I know I need to fill my life w/people that love me for who I am. This is a big part of why I am alone now, as in no boyfriend. I do not seem to have the desire, or energy to search for somebody. But I am happy right now and I need to think about what I want, and not what everybody wants for me. Cuz I am the only one that can make ME happy

I had this email that a friend sent me a long while back but I cannot seem to find it. It was one of those that really made me think and really made me thankful for what I have.

I remember only a few lines and they went something like this:

When you hate getting up in the morning to go to work, be thankful that you have a job to go to each day.
When you think your house is small and you cannot compete w/the Jone’s, but thankful you have shelter over your head.
When you are angry at your child, be thankful he is with safe with you and not with a stranger.
When you are exhausted from a long day, be thankful you are healthy enough to BE exhausted.

There are many more sayings like that but I cannot find my email!

I need to re-read that and be thankful for what I have. Since I have been sick this past week and half, when I get fully healthy again I am going to try and not complain so much, and re-evaluate what is really important to me.

XO

I have been kinda keeping to myself lately. I have been getting too involved in the life of my BFF. So, this week I have been practicing ‘detachment’ . Its a codependant term that basicly mean taking oneself away from the problem and letting it, or him in this case, work it out for himself. He does not need me to keep pestering him, he’s a big boy and can do it all alone. I have been quietly working on How NOT to Relapse After Rehabilitation from my codependant ways. I hope he understands as I have not talked to him for about 4 days. *sigh*

XO

I totally believe that things happen for a reason. It is rather strange how things just happen to fall into my lap sometimes. With all my ponderings on men and dating and boyfriends, this is actually just what I need. There is a website that has a listing of men that are abusive (physically and mentally) to women. Women share their stories with other women and can post the name of these men on the site in order to warn other women who might be considering dating these abusive guys. This is a Date Screening Website. I never knew there was anything out there like this! I personally think it is wonderful! There are also a ton of free resources for women as well; medical advice, forums and other specialist designed just for us women.
So to all women out there, me included, screen your man before you get in over your head. Let me tell you, from experience, its no fun having a psycho husband or boyfriend.

Since I seem to be on the topic of men these days, I think I should get down on paper, sorta speak, how our Christmas Day went when the X came over.

Last we heard from him (this is my X husband and the father of my son) was Januay 2007. Not a peep all year. He calls Chrismas Eve and says he is coming over at 11AM Christmas Day. Notice how he doesnt ask, he just informs me of this. Of course I do not resist, cuz if I do just one itty bitty thing to piss him off, he turns into this nutcase.

Anyways, he was only about 7 minutes late this time. Last Christmas he made us wait for about 2 hours. Needless to say, we were shocked when he was ‘on time’. He only stayed about one hour. He reeked of smoke! stunk like high h*ll! I could not look him in the eyes either, he totally creeps me out; hair is a mess, unshaven, and under the smoke smell, it seemed like he had not bathed in days. He didnt say much this year. It was really wierd. Last year he was blabbin’ constantly non stop about his new ‘kids’ and when we could all get together. He, last year, had a 19 year old, 12 year old and 7 year old (step kids I assume)and a new women. I never found out if he got remarried, but this year, not a peep! I can assume he’s not with them anymore as he always has to brag to me about how Great his life is and how mine sucks. har har har. He has no idea what my life is and that the way it is going to stay!

He gave my son some chocolates, some home made cookies that smelled like smoke (which we threw away) and $100 bill. I must say tho, the cash was nice. Cash is a great gift.

After that he left. So I stressed out for no apparent reason. So I hope.
He did not mention coming back, getting together in the near future, nothing! This is so wierd. Makes me wonder what he has brewing in his messed up brainthis time…..in the past he tried to burn down my best friends house and was the only suspect for attempted homicide in that fire.

XO

Well here I sit on a quiet Wednesday night. My son has a friend over, so I actually get a couple hours of uninterupted peace. I decide to log into Yahoo Chat, which I tend to do on occation cuz I love to chat! so fun, Anyways this guy pulls me up. I call him Flyboy, as I have nicknames for each and everyone of my chat friends. K, so the story goes, I met him online like months ago, cant even remember when, but I do remember that he called me a “flake” in his last email, and said some terribly rude things to me cuz I had to break a date. K, I broke the date like 6 days in advance! It was not like the same day or anything. I could not get a sitter for my son and explained the entire thing to him, but he still called me a flake and was slammin’ me and pretty much yelling via email. (oh, and you need to know that he lives one hour away and was expecting me to drive to him. such a gentleman, not) He was so rude in that email, but I still laughed hysterically cuz it was all speculation on his part cuz he does not know me and my situtation w/the X.

Anyways, I delete all emails,address and chat links. He must have not done the same to me, cuz low and behold, there he was. Acting if nothing happened. Me, who remembers everything, nicely replys to his bombardment of questions; did I find a keeper yet (whats a keeper? I have no clue whats he talking about) Am I seeing anyone, ya know, the basics. No, I still answer nicely, cuz I am not a rude person, I have my blog to vent on ! (like now!) So we start taking about Blogs, I say I am making a little cash, he asks if I quit my job. good gosh. he has no idea what a blog is. I am actually surprized that people out there dont know about this! We talked all little about January and February and how my nutso friends come out and bug me cuz they know I am codependant. He asks what I am codependant on. LOL, I was ROTFL ! ! I guess he really doesnt know what that is either.

Anyways, he stopped chatting after I while. but I am proud, I was nice; did not bring up the past, was not rude, and didnt make any snide comments (which I am known to do).

So thats the highlight of my nite. It was a good night. I think I will go back over to my nice and toasty fire, send my son’s friend home, have a cup of Hot Chocolate in the new Mug my son gave me for Christmas, and watch Pushing Daiseys.

Ain’t life wonderfull! I am happy.

XOXOX