Just about had a mental break down yesterday. Amazing how lack of sleep will contribute to my loosing it.
I am going thru that phase again where I do everything all the time and then wonder why I am doing everything all the time! So yesterday I took a 2 hour nap from 5-7pm and then went to bed at 8pm.
Woke up this morning feeling better, and determined not to do everything all the time! I am going to do stuff for me and not everybody else. This is where my Co-Dependency is the worst. I do everything for everybody but me. Well every once in a while I loose it and have to start over again. Today is that day.
Good thing its Friday, that way I can work today, but tomorrow I can do what I want to do. Be is sit outside and sip diet coke all day, or watch TV, or make that WW Cheesecake I have putting off for two weeks.
I need to take care of myself and some days (most days) I forget.
Archive for the Category »CoDependant «
Dear Diary,
I seem to be at crossroads in my life. Yes, I know, another one, go figure. I am very happy the way things are right now, but some days I am doubting myself about if I am really happy or not. I think its cuz my B-Day is next week and I am going thru that ‘getting old’ question again of if life is passing me by and I am too stupid to know it.
So I have been thinking about getting back in the dating scene again. maybe. sorta. not really sure. It seems to be just too darn much work! I’d rather be at my home, having a nice relaxing evening. yeah-sounds boring, but still, to me, it sounds very nice too! Besides, I am still tying to get my kitchen cabinettes finished and perhaps some new Delta fauctes and I have a ton of little project to do . . . I know, sounds like I am just making excuse’s to stay home, well, maybe I am, heck if I know!
I am so very angry right now, that I have to get this out or it’s just going to eat me up! Usually Christmas Times goes pretty smoothly in our Family. This year however, I am not doing too well. My Sis and I decided to get my Dad a laptop from Christmas. He really needs one. He does have a desktop, but in the wintertime the pc is in a room upstairs that is not heated; with the laptop he can bring that anywhere and stay warm.
So we ordered one, sent the confirm email to him, he of course showed my Mom and she totally freaked! From what I ‘hear’, she is upset about some Union retirement argument that started at least 10 years ago! He was not supposed to get a laptop unless he contacted the Union. Well, for reasons I wont elaborate on (dying brother in Chicago) he was not able to contact the Union, so therefore, my Mom says he broke their deal and does not get a laptop.
My question is this: What the heck does this have to do with me and my sis getting him a laptop for a Christmas present?! She wont pay a cent for it, she will not use the laptop, it in fact, has nothing to do with her whatsoever ! ! !
So instead of me freakin’ out any more than I already have, I am going to ignore the entire thing (a trait that my Mom does ALL the time) and pretend it never happened.
Dad will get the laptop on Christmas Eve and Mom can not do one thing about it.
…and yes… if any of my family members read this, I am aware of the consequences that will be dealt to me by my Mother, bwah hah hah
Oh. My.Gosh. I am rolling on the floor laughing over here! I just get this email from a friend that kinda vanished. She has a daughter that was a very good friend of my son, in turn we bacame friends. Anyways, she moved to Seattle w/some guy she met online and I guess they all very happy now.
The funny part is that her soon-to-be-X was a good friend of my last boyfriend. So this is how the story goes:
My old boyfriends good friend from Texas, John, spilts from his girlfriend.
Next, me and my boyfriend split up.
Next, his other friend here in SLC (cannot remember his name) has his wife leave him!
So, to make a long story short, my old boyfriend and his surrounding close male friends, cannot seem to hang on to us good women. It is SO funny! Okay, I guess you have to ‘be there’, but it is still a hoot ! ! ! ha !
Since I am a CoDependant I usually thrive on excitment, relationships, drama and the rush of an overall hectic life. However, as you can tell, I have avoided that life lately (for about 1.5 years now). I dont like living that way and have made many choice NOT to live like that anymore; thus resulting in a rather mundane life with no drama, thus resulting in not many interesting posts!
Now that my son is older (and I am older!), I can relax a bit, watch the world go by and enjoy the simple life. Even tho it is rather boring at times, I have decided that I would rather be bored than so fetchin’ stressed out all the time. And besides, if I wanted to, I can always get back ‘out there’, start dating, being social and well, ya know, just doin’ stuff!
This weekend will be nice; in the 70’s so the weather man says. We are planning on seeing the movie, City of Embers. We will walk to the theater of course; need to get the kiddo away from his games and the PS3. The walk is all uphill, so I hope to loose a pound, or two if I am lucky!
XO
Okay.
Since this blog was mainly started to help me stop talking to myself (yes, I answer myself too!), and to get my thoughts down and out of my head (cuz I ponder everything for days I swear!) I am going to just ramble away for a while concering this issue I have been pondering ever since hurrican Ike hit Texas.
Anyways . . . Ever since Ike hit, I have been worried about him. I know, its not my place anymore, but I am CoDependant and this is really fighting me. One thing I know about myself is that I need to Let Go. A very big Codependant trait is NOT letting go. I feel that I should make sure he is okay, let him know I am here for support (verbally only) and just let him know that I am thinking about him.
I know that I should NOT email him, because really, WHY in the world should I ? ? ? There is no reason that I should email him. We are done; over now for almost 1.5 years. I know there is no way we will get back together, as I could not handle it as he smokes, and I cannot get involved with someone that lied to me about smoking on our first date (but I found out 4 years later) ! !
So. Do I be considerate, nice, and offer my sympathy to him about the hurricane ? Or do I just leave it be and secretly hope that his apartment, mustang, job and life are okay…? eGads. I hate being Codependant, it makes life so dang difficult!
I am still in this terrible funk. Today is especially bad; I am really down, and just want to lay in bed, cry and feel sorry for myself. and, I know I am extremely exhausted as well.
However, I do believe I am making progress in figuring what is making me feel this way.
For one, my house is a dissaster, I am 10 lbs overweight and I have no money. Plus, I really dont know who I am anymore or what I want with my life. These things need to be rolled around in my head for a few days and once I can answer these questions, I will have a better attitude and be able to live again.
I also need to re-read my CoDependent books and get some outside exercise. Today is my short day at work, so I am already home. My son has promised to help me clean the house, he has also already taken care of the Turtle and Cat. We will take a walk to the grocery store in a bit as we need Baby Food for the Cat as she is out I can spare $5 bucks for that.
Tonight we were going to hit the Utah Symphony as I have free tickets, but I think it would be best if I just stayed home and went to bed early. Sleep always helps every problem I have.
SO-enough blabbin’, time to get outside so the sunshine can help cure me.
My Gosh am I droopy, depressed and tired today. I dont want to do anymore work, I can bearly keep my eyes open and I even had 3 cups of coffee today.
My dream for today (and tonight) is to sit on my couch, watch a re-run of the Sarah Connor Chronicles and eat Pizza. Why am I craving Pizza !?!?!?
I sure as heck better not have to go anywhere after we get home. No. Wait. The kiddo wants a haircut. Okay I can do that; which means watch someone else cut his hair while I sit on my butt!
Sometimes I just get into a funk like this. It needs to pass so that I can get on with my life. *sigh*
